Teach your child that it's O.K. to be angry
To feel anger is neither good nor bad. It is a normal and legitimate reaction to feeling wronged, whether that wrong is real or imagined. It is what we do with our anger. How we act when we are angry that is important. For example, when we lash out in anger, later we may feel worse in remorse. However, when we discuss our hurt with someone who is understanding, we may feel better. And talking with the person who caused the hurt in the first place may create a stronger bond between you and that person. It is difficult for children to make the distinction between the emotion of anger and what is done with that anger. Nevertheless, a child needs to learn the difference between the two. If we are to separate the two in the child's mind. We parents must communicate the difference. We can teach a child that he or she can feel angry and express that anger, yet not the destructive. In other words, it is O.K. to be angry. but it is not O.K. to behave in a destructive manner out of anger. It is very important to make this distinction with your child. He or she should not be chastised for feeling angry, only for destructive behavior. Eventually the child will learn the difference between feeling`angry and acting out that anger in harmful ways.
If your child expresses his or her anger destructively, try to respond helpfully, saying. You are entitled to be angry. That's O.K. But I don't want you to hit anyone," or " I don't want you to damage anything, including yourself. Children have a difficult time communicating their emotional reactions because they lack the language needed to translate what they feel into words. Parents should help their children to express verbally what they feel when they are angry. You know your child best. Look for subtle clues of unexpressed anger. Two of the most common signs are pouting or sulking and an "I don't care about anything" attitude. But each child will have his or her own signals. Remember, admitting that he or she feels angry is difficult for a child to do. It will take some time and practice before your child feels comfortable expressing anger verbally. You may have to ask your child a series of questions about why he or she is angry. Tommy and Billy, both four years old, were playing with toy trucks. Soon Tommy's mother heard them fighting. She separated the boys, then sat down to talk to them.
MOTHER: Tommy, you hit Billy and you know you're not supposed to do that. I can understand you being angry. That's O.K. But it's not O.K. to hit. Tell me what upset you.
TOMMY: Billy took my truck. It's mine and he can't have it.
MOTHER: O.K., I see why you were upset, but its still not good to hit someone. You should have told Billy how you felt, instead of hitting him.
Tommy: He won't listen, no matter what I say.
MOTHER: How do you know. if you don't even try? And if he didn't, you could have come to me for help.
TOMMY: I guess so.
MOTHER: So if Billy makes you angry like that again. you speak up and tell him that you're angry and that you don't want him to do that again. If he doesn't listen to you, then come to me. It's O.K. to be angry. but you are not allowed to hit anyone or do anything destructive. Do you understand? Another approach Tommy's mother might use to encourage an appropriate reaction to anger would be to remind him of a time when he made her angry. She could remind Tommy that she talked with hint about her feelings and didn't hit hint. Before we attempt to teach our children to deal properly with their anger. we need to look at ourselves and evaluate the ways we cope with anger. Our behavior serves as a model for our children's actions. Children are great imitators. Ask yourself what your child may be learning about expressing anger from the way you deal with a difficult situation. Let's look at an example of a parent's anger, in a situation where hat anger is caused by the child's actions.
Terry is eight and loves his collection of toy cars. lie prefers to play with his cars in the bathroom. because he likes the noise they make when he runs them across the tiled flour. Terry is careless about picking up his cars from the bathroom floor. f !is mother has warned hint that leaving them there could be very dangerous if someone were to step on them. One day Terry's mother went into the bathroom in her bare feet and narrowly missed stepping on one of the cars. Her first reaction. in the heat of anger. was to break the toy. Loss of the car would be a lesson to Terry. Every parent has this experience at least once, and it is often difficult to resist the destructive urge. It is no easier for a child. Terry's mother stopped just as she was about to crush the toy. She asked herself. "What kind of message would I send to Terry by breaking his toy?' Terry would be in tears. and his mother would reg.ret her action. Terry might learn a powerful lesson about leaving his toys where they weren't supposed to be. but his mother recognized that, more important. Terry would get the message that since his mother responded destructively to her anger. perhaps it wasn't all that bad for him to do the same. She couldn't very well expect Terry to "Do as I say, not as I do." Explaining that children and adults don't have to follow the same rules often creates strong resentment in children and makes them see adults as hypocrites. Instead of breaking the car, Terry's mother picked up the toy, confronted him with the evidence of his misdeed, and told him that. as a consequence, she was going to keep the toy away from him for one week. Terry protested loudly. but he got the message. An important thing for parents to remember is that their behavior in such situations must be as consistent as possible. The parent must deal with each incident in the same way, and both parents must react appropriately, if they expect their child to learn and understand. And remember to assure the child that you still love him or her, despite the anger.
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